Panic attacks

I've suffered with panic disorder for a good few years now and with the criticism surrounding zoella at the moment I thought I'd share my story. 

I remember my very first panic attack like it just happened minutes ago. 

I've pretty much always hated school, right from the start I had undiscovered dyslexia that prevented me from being able to read or write at all until I was 8. I've spent my whole school life lonely and dealing with constant bullying. There's nothing I can think of that is worse than school. Even just typing the word makes me feel sick. It took every ounce of my natural love for learning away from me, I hated every subject and was failing at everything. No matter how hard I tried. 

I was quite and reserved, I spent the majority of my time drifting between friendship groups. In class I was always very quiet, I never wanted to answer questions, ask questions or get at all involved in the lesson - for fear of giving bullies more ammunition against me. 

Fast forward to maths class. I'm about 13/14 years old and I'm sat in class, alone. My teacher points me out and asks me to answer a maths question. I hated anything like this, I don't want to answer questions for fear of looking stupid. But even when I tried to answer...I opened my mouth but no words came out...

Suddenly I was frozen. I started to sweat. I could hear people talking and expecting an answer but I couldn't talk, in fact I couldn't move. I was just frozen. The voices of the teacher and my peers seemed like they were getting further and further away, untill all I could hear were muffles inbetween the loud quick beats of my heart. I could feel my heart racing and I felt numb. It probably only last a couple of minutes, but it felt like hours. 

When I was finally able to move and mutter "I don't know" I was immediately reprimanded and sent out of the class room for being "disobedient". Left outside alone, confused and scared. Not knowing what had just happened to me, or if it would happen again, wondering why I was being punished for something that I had no control over. 

I just stood outside with tears rolling down my face. 

After that things went from bad to worse. My panic attacks stopped me from wanting to do things. Gradually I became so afraid of having panic attacks that I would avoid most social situations. I never spoke to anyone that I hadn't already known a long time. If I were unwell I'd have to tell my Mum or Dad what was wrong with me and get them to tell the doctor, I would simply sit there, if they asked me a question I'd immediately look at my parent(s) and signal for them to answer for me. All the isolation led me to become depressed and start self harming. 

I'm still on the mend but I will get there eventually. 

Anxiety

It's hard to understand something you've never been through. I don't understand alcoholics, how could someone spend all their money on booze and drink themselves into a coma? For an ex alcoholic it's probably easy to understand because they've been through it, they've experienced it for themselves.

It's the same concept with anxiety, for someone who has never had anxiety disorder it's hard for them to get it. They don't know what it feels like and it's hard to explain it to them. My mum once said to me that she only truly understood anxiety disorder after going through it herself, and that it was worse than she thought.

It's easy to underestimate it.

I mean what do people have to compare it to? Usually a time they were scared or nervous, like before a test. To them they just see it as nerves. They don't get how debilitating it can be.

The truth is anxiety is so much worse than that. It's a mental illness that can effect your everyday life. It's that uncontrollable feeling of panic and dread. It makes you feel ill. It makes you sick. It makes your guts feel like they are trying to escape. Your heart takes on a life of its own. Your brain runs rings around you. And before you know if you are having a major panic over seemingly nothing at all. But you can't make it stop. It's so physical. It's so real. It's terrifying.

Every time I get anxious my body gives up on me. My mind drives me wild. It's not like any nerves or any fear I've ever had. It's different. It's more scary and more real than anything else I've felt.

But it's hard for people to understand. You can't just "snap out of it" you can't just make it stop. You can't just face your fears and be done with it. It's not a matter of "manning up". It's not as easy as just moving on.

It might seem ridiculous.

And maybe it is.

Maybe it's over nothing, maybe it's over something you could do easily. That you could face. But it's very real to them, it's very scary to them, and if nothing else it's very physical to them.

It effects every part of that persons life.

Even if you don't understand. Or you can't understand. It doesn't stop being real to them. It doesn't stop the palpitations, the dread, the sickness, everything.

Just trust me when I say, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life and every day I wish I could man up, move on and face it.

It's not that easy.