I've suffered with panic disorder for a good few years now and with the criticism surrounding zoella at the moment I thought I'd share my story.
I remember my very first panic attack like it just happened minutes ago.
I've pretty much always hated school, right from the start I had undiscovered dyslexia that prevented me from being able to read or write at all until I was 8. I've spent my whole school life lonely and dealing with constant bullying. There's nothing I can think of that is worse than school. Even just typing the word makes me feel sick. It took every ounce of my natural love for learning away from me, I hated every subject and was failing at everything. No matter how hard I tried.
I was quite and reserved, I spent the majority of my time drifting between friendship groups. In class I was always very quiet, I never wanted to answer questions, ask questions or get at all involved in the lesson - for fear of giving bullies more ammunition against me.
Fast forward to maths class. I'm about 13/14 years old and I'm sat in class, alone. My teacher points me out and asks me to answer a maths question. I hated anything like this, I don't want to answer questions for fear of looking stupid. But even when I tried to answer...I opened my mouth but no words came out...
Suddenly I was frozen. I started to sweat. I could hear people talking and expecting an answer but I couldn't talk, in fact I couldn't move. I was just frozen. The voices of the teacher and my peers seemed like they were getting further and further away, untill all I could hear were muffles inbetween the loud quick beats of my heart. I could feel my heart racing and I felt numb. It probably only last a couple of minutes, but it felt like hours.
When I was finally able to move and mutter "I don't know" I was immediately reprimanded and sent out of the class room for being "disobedient". Left outside alone, confused and scared. Not knowing what had just happened to me, or if it would happen again, wondering why I was being punished for something that I had no control over.
I just stood outside with tears rolling down my face.
After that things went from bad to worse. My panic attacks stopped me from wanting to do things. Gradually I became so afraid of having panic attacks that I would avoid most social situations. I never spoke to anyone that I hadn't already known a long time. If I were unwell I'd have to tell my Mum or Dad what was wrong with me and get them to tell the doctor, I would simply sit there, if they asked me a question I'd immediately look at my parent(s) and signal for them to answer for me. All the isolation led me to become depressed and start self harming.
I'm still on the mend but I will get there eventually.
